| i cant work.
i wanna puke up everything i eat
why?? |
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| We go on a seesaw in the park, we sit on both ends, looking at each other. Up and down we go in rhythm.
Soon, your phone buzzes. You become occupied with the phone. The happier you look, you lighter you become, the higher you go.
My side becomes heavier. My seat is soaked with tears. It becomes heavier and heavier.
In no time, you bounces up and vanishes into the sky. |
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| got a lot that i want to say
i feel that everything is changing, or has changed.
i'm turning 23 in a few days... in three month's time, i will leave college. I will not be studying anymore. all my friends will be going to different places, different countries.
I will be unemployed for the first time and I don't know where I will end up at. I used to look forward to birthdays but this year it seems like I cannot to arsed. birthdays are stressful. and I dont want to be the centre of attention. i have different groups of friends, and sometimes, i feel like i rather hang out with one or two, or be alone. Likewise, inviting different groups of people to a party just makes the whole thing complicated. i loved going to metal clubs and mingle with people. i love metal. it makes me less stressful and depressed. but sometimes, i feel out of place when i'm out there. i almost got a mini heart attack when i heard petri lindroos left the band norther. he is one of my favourite vocalist and it is one of my favourite band. i was so looking forward to them coming to london. petri left before it would happen. listening to norther now seems like history. i work, or worked for two street teams. now that petri left, the norther team seemed to have vanished. i have done a banner for them. i'm not sure if it will ever be used. not long after petri left, my manager nathan left spinefarm, indirectly implying that i'm not in the team anymore. no more free gig tickets. stupid it may be, but it seems like how these things are discouraging me from listening to metal. my mate's ex band is playing tonight. without my mate playing, i'm not sure if i wanna go. everything has changed. i used to talk to the people. now, i'm not even sure i know what to say. i feel stupid. i'm just more distant from everyone, and i'm growing old. i feel like i have spoken or seen a lot of people for a long time, people who used to me really close to me. today, there's someone new who i need to care for. i know i cannot be selfish. I have been a bitch before and disappointed someone who really cared for me. i know i cannot let this happen again. yet, i'm scared. i don't know if i'll be capable of taking care of two people. and im scared of being alone again. i miss my parents and i know they miss me a lot. the decision of staying is pretty much mine but i'm not sure if it is making other people happy. and i'm not sure how long i'm gonna stay. if i leave one day, is it gonna make anyone sad? i used to love dancing and i went to my studio regularly, thinking it'd be very sad to leave that place one day. yet, i don't think i've returned for two years. the place is now full of young and annoying girls and i have pretty much lost the interest to dance. changes are scary. sometimes good, but most of the time, i dont really wanna think about what's gonna happen or expect anything. old.... i feel like there's a gap between me and the younger people. i dont like to be neglected but sometimes i feel so different and out of place i wanna be on my own. birthday sucks, telling me i'm getting lonelier every year. |
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| another depressing night
lying in bed, staring at the ceiling
two streaks of tears run down the face, fall into the ears
why?
am i not happy?
i'm really scared of what's gonna happen in future |
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| feeling very stressed and i sort of wanna go to bed and forget about things but then i'm just thinking about more things in bed
feel that i'm so much lazier and but i don't actually wanna do anything physically.. feeling deadlines are approaching but i dunno how to start doing things...
life is good but i feel that i'm very laid back and this is not very healthy?
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